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Adam Mathes: The Humanitarian Alternative
by Paul Garner

I wrote this in response to an earlier article on Über entitled: The Adam Mathes Makeover Fund
In order for this to make any sense you really ought to read that first.

I don't know Adam Mathes. I don't live in Austin, or wherever the fuck it is that the Über-clique are based. Heck, I don't even live in America. But one thing I do know: I do not want to see this guy get a makeover.

I do not want to see him transformed from his own idiosyncratic, awkward, fashion-oblivious self (I'm guessing here... I don't know him, yeah?) into yet another GAP-wearing smart-casual (or worse: expensively pseudo-scruffy) 'geek chic' clone.

I do not want him to get a 'modern spunky haircut' at the rip-off price of $30. The kind of hair stylists you get when you spend that kind of money are no better than, say, prescription-happy doctors, televangelists, high-school career advisors or insurance salesmen. In short, Pushers for The Man. I mean, it won't stop with the $30 haircut will it? In order to keep it tousled 'just so' he'll be stuck buying rip-off hair products with names like 'Bed Head' and 'Fudge' from here into the foreseeable future.

If he wants a haircut, fine. He should just go get whatever he wants done, cheaply, down at the corner barber store. Or the drive-thru barber, or whatever you have in the States. Better yet, he could get a friend (girlfriend?) to do it for free. That's what I do. She ain't that great at cutting hair right now but I figure she'll get better. Plus there's a slightly perverse kick to be had from showing up to work with a wonky, mental-patient DIY haircut. I'm serious.

$10 for a beard trim? Come on! I'm sure Ben Brown really is itching to indulge his sad fetish for all things reality TV-like and actually will go through with the makeover, documenting it on his 'digital camera'. But you're not telling me there's not going to be some of that $250 left over for booze and drugs are you? Which is fine, but be honest guy! One of your mates must own a trimmer? Or just hack away with a disposable razor. Heck, I don't even use shaving cream when I shave, for much the same reason I don't go near expensive haircuts. I'm serious, Gillette can kiss my hairy arse.

I wouldn't go as far as saying he shouldn't get the beard trimmed, there's at least one good reason for losing it. All I'm saying is that unless Adam's regularly going down on this Andrea Spencer chick then its none of her fucking business what his facial hair is like.

As for the shoes... the only thing you need to know about shoes is whether they're comfy and weatherproof. Like, do they make your feet hurt when you walk any distance in them? Well, you're American, you probably don't walk anywhere. Or, does the rain get in... do you get that damp, clammy feeling when you step in a puddle? No, and No? Then your current shoes are fine.

Otherwise by all means go out and get yourself a new pair. Skip the Nikes and anything else made by disgruntled Indonesian children, just get some that are sturdy and hard wearing. Because the longer your shoes last, the longer you can go without thinking about them again!

But this advice is all obvious stuff that any grown up already knows. The real thing that's bugging me is that there's a lot of better things Adam Mathes could do with the $250 raised than getting a couple of dicks with websites to give him a makeover. Like I said, I don't know Adam (that's why parts of this rant seem like they're more about me...) but he has a website himself. So I did a bit of research...

I found a page on there called "Application to Watch Powerpuff Girls Episodes with Adam in a Non-Committal, Un-date-like Way". That didn't tell me all that much except that he should lay off the Cartoon Network for a while. Heck, go cold turkey on the TV altogether. I'm serious.

Eventually I found the following passage:

"I will probably end up spending the next few years as a college educated bum. (Note: I will be calling myself a 'writer' and will be doing lots of 'traveling' in order to obfuscate this fact.)"

Now it's obvious. This guy doesn't need a fucking makeover, he needs a plane ticket! A round-the-world plane ticket!

Honestly, I beg all of you, please: Do not donate a cent to the Adam Mathes makeover fund. Do not indulge the shallow whims of his so-called friends Ben and Andrea. Let this guy wear his hair long, his t-shirts baggy and his sneakers Chuck Taylor, instead of joining the quasi-fascist conforming ranks of the Übergeekchicyouth. I'm serious.

Instead, I'd like you to donate your hard-earned cash to the alternative fund I've set up: The Adam Mathes Round-The-World Travel Fund. Just click the button below and know that you'll be doing this young man a world of good.


[this piece did not get published, so any money you donate will just be spent on beer and trips to Spain for me]
[please give generously]

I'm sure even Ben Brown would agree that a year or two spent as a college educated bum/writer in foreign places, like say New Zealand, would be much better for him than becoming a GAP-wearing Fudge™-junkie. (Even if it's just to write the odd children’s TV show episode eh Ben?)

I'm 100% serious.

But I know all you snarky, shallow, sarcastic, reality TV-loving Über readers want at least some vicarious entertainment for your investment. So I propose this: In order to qualify for the money, Adam must agree to take a newfangled ‘digital camera’ with him on his travels and send back photos. But here’s the thing… in every photo I want to see that long hair blowing free, that progressively-shaggier beard... I want you half-looking at the camera, standing there like a slightly-neurotic Jesus in outdated high-top sneakers and a baggy white t-shirt... snaps taken in a bunch of exotic places where they’ve never even heard of the Cartoon Network (while there’s still some left).

And I mean that compassionately.

Shocking Update:
Well, it seems the Makeover Fund at Über managed to bring in just $50. Sadly they blew this WHOLE SUM on a shamefully ordinary haircut. What a cop out. With a bit of smart budgeting and thrift store raiding they could have done a whole makeover for that, with change for a few beers and a spliff. But more to the point, $50 might not have been enough to get him to Europe, or even Canada, but surely its enough for a road trip... some small voyage of self-discovery.


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Copyright © 2002 - Paul Garner.