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Naughty Monkey a dream by Paul Garner's subconscious I stepped into my garage to find our cat sitting proudly by the tilt-a-door, as if to say: "Look what I did". "That bloodthirsty cat," I thought, as this time he appeared to have caught a rare and unusual large lizard. Somehow it had ended up squashed almost flat against the door, stuck there about halfway up. Its four legs were spreadeagled and the body aligned so that it almost looked like... a cartoon person had been running along at supersonic speed then collided with the door. Then one of the lizard's paws twitched and I could tell that it was still alive. In fact I suddenly realised it hadn't been caught and attacked by the cat, and stuck to the door, at all - it was just shedding its skin. It had perhaps stuck itself to the door in order to drop out of the old skin. Within the drying, crinkly, amber husk its new skin was still translucent, immodestly revealing the creature's pulsating and flowing innards. One leg twitched and waved about vaguely now, and gradually the whole animal started to wriggle around, unsticking itself from the outer layer which still clung to it. It turned its head to look at me and I started to appreciate the size of the thing... it was like a sandy coloured Komodo dragon and I wondered if perhaps I wasn't so safe in the room with it. With a flop it dropped to the floor, shiny and new, standing on its hind legs. The lizard clacked its jaws at me, then turned the handle of the garage door with one of its paws and ran off into the garden. I was stunned, as I'd never seen a lizard open a door before. Well I'd never seen a giant lizard shedding its skin in my garage before either, but opening the door was definitely the more remarkable part. "I bet even my monkey couldn't do that," I said to myself, looking pointedly at the Baboon crouching beside me. As if to reproach me for this insult he bared his teeth, lifted up the garage door and ran outside, then back in again. I was about to say something like, "I bet you couldn't do that twice," when I realised he wasn't a Baboon at all, he was definitely more of a Chimpanzee. Well Chimps are supposed to be more intelligent, so I guess that made sense. He started, not so much humping my leg, as rubbing up against it as if to say, "Hump me, hump me." I felt embarassed, and somewhat disgusted, and pushed the little creature away. My family and I went to bed that night but the darn Chimp kept leaving threatening messages on our answering machine, which kept us awake and fearing for the kids. "Mr Ka not like you," he'd say in his funny Chimp voice, "Mr Ka make you be sorry," and other more surreal things that I can't remember now. As if there weren't enough things to worry about in this crazy mixed up world! Hell hath no fury like a monkey scorned... Back Copyright © 2002 - Paul Garner.

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