From Paul Garner <paul@blues.co.nz>
To Catherine McG--- <catherinemcg-@--->
Date 30 May 2002 03:06
Subject Re: Warning
---------------------------------------------------------------
> > I usually don't forward these but this looks like it's pretty important.
> >
> > >Don't get caught out: SEND THIS WARNING TO EVERYONE ON YOUR EMAIL LIST.
> > >IF A MAN COMES TO YOUR FRONT DOOR AND SAYS HE IS CONDUCTING A SURVEY
> > >AND ASKS YOU TO SHOW HIM YOUR NIPPLES, DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR NIPPLES.
> >
> > >THIS IS A SCAM, HE ONLY WANTS TO SEE YOUR NIPPLES.
> >
> > >I wish I'd seen this email yesterday. I feel so stupid.
But it was too late... I already had. As he stared at the flat hairy bumps on
my chest I hummed a gentle whale song to him whilst tinkling the tubular bells
hanging in my porch, so that before long he fell into a somnolent trance. "Sit
down, sit down" I said to him, "All your limbs feel sooo heavy," and he slumped
on the couch. "The sound of my voice is warm and comforting. All you can hear
is my voice. My voice. It feels so good to just listen to my voice and let all
your cares drift away." I fingered the Tibetan love beads around my neck
wondering quite what to say next, but when your mind is open to All one is
seldom lost for a course of action (or inaction as the case may be) and I
pushed on confidently. "You feel so relaxed just listening to my voice. My
voice. You will answer my questions truthfully and honestly. It feels so good
to tell the truth. My voice. My voice." It seemed very warm in the room and my
shirt rasped against my skin. It was the one I'd got from that ethical trade
shop, its scratchy hemp cloth hand-made by bangladeshi children in one of those
new free-range sweatshops where they fed them organic rice. I returned to my
subject. "What is your name? Answer me." "Robin," he replied in a low,
emotionless voice. "Why did you come to my door today?" "To see your nipples."
"For your survey, yes. What is the purpose of your survey?" "It's a scam, I
just wanted to see your nipples." This revelation rocked me to my very core!
Why should this strange man want to see my nipples? What secrets, what
fascination did they hold? I didn't even know this man! How did he know me?
Did others know of my nipples? Were they famous far and wide? If this stranger
came here on false pretences solely to catch a glimpse of them, did other
people feel the same way? Perhaps there was some money to be made from them!
I loosened the drawstring in my linen pants a centimetre or two, then realised
my hands were trembling. Holy Krishna I was stressed! I hadn't been stressed...
well, since the accident. "I am the fish and life is the stream. I am the fish
and life is the stream. I am the fish and life is the stream." The calming
words of my mantra gradually took effect as I repeated them in my head. I
looked over at Robin. Perhaps he held some more clues. "Why did you want to see
my nipples?" I asked. His face contorted up, reflecting some inner turmoil as
he tried to resist the hypnotic urge to answer my question. "Relax. Breathe
deeply. Listen to the sound of my voice. My voice. You will answer my questions
truthfully and honestly. It feels sooo good to tell the truth." I saw the worry
drain from his face so I pushed on. "Why did you want to see my nipples? Answer
me." He tensed up again, but started to speak. "The... the mandala. He is
coming, he is coming! We must seek the sign, the sign!" It didn't make any
sense, so I asked him again. "Tell me exactly why you wanted to see my nipples.
Start from the beginning. Answer me." He grimaced most disturbingly and
screamed, "The mandala!!" then clamped his jaws hard shut, grinding his teeth
and foaming at the mouth. Then a moment later he went limp. The wind chimes
outside were tinkling wildly and their dischordant sound cut across my
consciousness. I was scared by this man's strange behaviour and, the tinkling!
The tinkling!! I couldn't think straight. "Iamthefish. I am the fish and life
is the... ah fuck it!" I ran outside, grabbed the darn bells off their hook and
hurled them out into the courtyard, accidentally hitting the young boy from
over the road who had been kicking his football around. I slammed the front
door and returned to the living room, but that was when I really began to
panic. The man had disappeared. But that wasn't the strange thing... there was
now a large white cow standing amongst the splinters of my former coffee table.
"Mmh," it said and sniffed me, then looked out the window. The thick heavy
scent of incense hung smokily in the air, though I didn't recall lighting any
that morning. The cow looked back at me. As I stared into her big wet eyes I
felt some of my fear start to dissolve into a safe, warm milky feeling in my
belly. "Mmmh," she said to me, and I understood perfectly.
SEND THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE ON YOUR CONTACT LIST AND WITHIN 37.4 HOURS YOU
WILL RECEIVE MYSTERIOUS HEALTH BENEFITS, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO:
* LESS ITCHY EYELIDS
* ACHE-FREE EARLOBES
* SLEEK FEET
* RELIEF FROM PERSISTENT WORRY
YOU MAY ALSO FIND OTHER POSITIVE EFFECTS IN YOUR EVERYDAY LIFE, SUCH AS:
* INCREASED WEALTH
* MORE LUCKY
* FANTASTIC ADVENTURES WHICH JUST SEEM TO HAPPEN
* EVERY DAY IS THE WEEKEND
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